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- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in and say nothing about the other.
- A pipe burst in a doctors house so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- When 4 men eat out, after the bill arrives they will all throw in £20, even though it is only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none of them will admit that they want change back.
When 4 ladies get their bill….., out come the pocket calculators.
- The perfect day will never dawn when everything is right.
To say you’ll soon be free of care, ain’t true not even might.
It’s no use looking idly for your very lucky star…
Your job’s to try and make the best of things just as they are.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they have moved the ends.
- Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite government programme.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change…, but she does.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
- As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow……
He could be plotting something!
- “It isn’t the jeans that make your bottom look fat!!”
- People who point at their wrist whilst asking me the time really annoy me.
I know where my watch is buddy, where on earth is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
- Why do some women put rollers in their hair before going to bed? To wake up curly in the morning.
- If it’s true that we are here to help others, then exactly what are the other here for?
- A man walks into his doctor’s surgery and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It says, ‘I can’t talk! Help me!’
The doctor nods wisely and instructs the man to put his thumb on the table. Wondering why, the man obliges and does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picks up a big book and whacks the man’s thumb with it as hard as he can.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”, the man yells.
“Good, good”, the doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and we’ll work on the ‘B’.”
- Antique shop sign.. WE BUY JUNK AND SELL ANTIQUES.
- If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
- SUPPORT THE PARTY SYSTEM… One party a week is not enough!!
- Why do people say, “It’s always in the last place you look.”?
Of course it is.
Why would you keep looking after you have found it?
- Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
- “It was a woman who drove me to drink…., and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
- If the shoe fits…………, get another one just like it.
- A HACKSAW is one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
- Junk is something you’ve kept for years and then thrown away 3 days before you need it.
- How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- What did the adding machine say to the clerk?
You can count on me.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
- When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
When you are a mouse.
- “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.”
- A woman worries about the future….., until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future….., until he gets a wife.
- Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
- A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look.”, she said.
“What’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day.”, he said.
“I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing.”, the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Twenty-six.”, he replied.
- PSYCHIC MEETING TO BE HELD HERE. Members should be able to guess the date and time.
- When you are on guard duty they always teach you to challenge someone coming towards you in the dark by holding your rifle and saying, “Halt! Who goes there, friend or foe?”
If they say, “Friend.”, you say, “Pass friend.”
I was on guard duty when it was very dark and I heard footsteps. “Halt! Who goes there, friend or foe?”
A voice replied, “Foe.”
I said, “How tall are you?”
He said, “Nine foot six.”
I said, “Pass foe.” Tommy Cooper
- As you grow older, when you fall down you wonder what else you can do whilst you are down there.
- What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear? Anything you like because it can’t hear you.
- 2 lawyers are hiking in the mountains when they see a mountain lion about to attack them. The first lawyer takes off his back pack and gets ready to run. The second lawyer says, “You’re crazy, you can’t outrun that cat.” The first lawyer replies, “I don’t have to outrun the cat. I just have to outrun you.”
- A woman calls her husband at work. “I’m sorry but I’m up to my neck in work today.”, he says.
“But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”, she says.
“OK darling, but since I’ve not got time now, just give me the good news.”
“Well, the air bag works…”.
- “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying.” Woody Allen